Summer Days
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Monday, October 20, 2003
You've never had a girlfriend, and your life doesn't feel so great, so you think that's the missing piece that'll make everything fall in place. You figure, if only you could share your loneliness with someone else, the world would become a much sunnier place because you finally have someone who cares if you're happy.
My god, let me tell you how wrong you are.
A girlfriend is not the line piece in Tetris that clears everything out for you, and I know you get that metaphor because you're a goddamn nerd just like me. A relationship is a responsibility that most of us are not ready for, but you're going to get into one anyway, so let me tell you what it's like.
You tell yourself, happiness is making other people happy, and as soon as you have that ability your world is one fat rainbow slide into the pot of golden bliss. It seems true enough from what we've been taught, doesn't it? Hah.
You don't think you're ever going to break a girl's heart. You've always been on the receiving end of heartbreak this far. Anyone that you date, you're going to treat like a goddess, unlike all those other asshole guys in the world. You're different. You're better. You're going to be happy.
You're a stupid little kid.
I broke a girl's heart a week and three days ago, a girl who didn't deserve it, a girl who I made happy. I realized I wasn't happy sometime in the last two months, but I tried staying in the relationship as long as I could for her sake. And this is where I realized what a huge burden her happiness was, a burden made a thousand times worse because I knew it shouldn't be a burden. When I couldn't do it anymore, I realized that in life, you're going to have to be a bastard every once in a while. It's necessary, it's unavoidable, and it's going to happen to you.
To end this increasingly incoherent lecture, don't make yourself believe that you can find inner happiness from other people. It's the other way around, something you need to figure out before you end up breaking someone's heart. So stop whining about needing someone, sit your ass down, and think about what it is you want, who you want to be and if you could really find someone who's at the same time in their life as yours.
Relationship: responsibility. Too much of one without the other.
-p5
hmm..just seeing if anyone uses this piece o' shit.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
Saturday, August 30, 2003
okay flat out.....im going to stop writing in this and stick to my Upsaid for a while... lets say that im going into hiatus for a little bit. but hey im not stopping my posts...im still updating my upsaid everyday...shoot me if i dont.
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
Saturday, August 16, 2003
okay. i suppose its my turn now...
i was also greatly affected by what happened this past week. i can equally feel what Scooter must be feeling and then some.
i didn't really get to know Kaeli as well as i most certainly wanted to, but i knew she would have been a good friend, one of the best, nonetheless. i first met Kaeli, through her boyfriend Gary, in the most unusual way. i was coming into swim practice straight from school. i got dressed, slapped on some slacks and went out to meet gary and her. back then, i never really knew her at all, but i did hear alot about her around school. anyways, what i didn't notice was that i had my fly open. WIDE OPEN. well, i saw Kaeli smirking at Gary so i asked what happened. she just warned with a smile, " your fly's open, thats all. next time maybe you should check." and she ended it with a great laugh with Gary. as embarrased as i was, i tried to phase the moment by calling it the "new style". of course, it ended up with an even greater laugh from all of us. from then on, we always joked around when we had the chance to hang out, usually during swim meets.
there were alot to great things about this girl. she had the smile, the brains, a great family, and a great boyfriend.
she will be missed greatly.
when she died, i wasn't in the vicinity of vallejo. thanks Scooter for sending me and Nadine the news i also forgot to say. but i couldnt believe it when i heard it. she was a girl with a bright future. a very bright future. she was well prepared for the outside world, and its very tragic that this event had to take place so early in her wonderful life. i wasn't able to make it to the vigil or the viewing but i finally had the chance to mourn the loss at the memorial service, which was just yesterday. i took Nadine and Noelle to St. Paul's church with me and we pretty much couldn't believe how many people came. she had made a definite impact on numerous people. i also didn't realize that they were related to Kaeli. Teachers, Mr. Gross, and even the VJO juniors coach "Tuffy" came. all in all it was more emotional than i would have ever expected.
while reading Scooter's entry, i realize that we all can't just dwell on kaeli's death, but only grow on the impact that she has made in each and everyone of our lives. i swear, everyone who knows her has had an impact. i sure have. it was natural to her. it was easy for her to make friends. thats what made her so unique.
my heart goes out to Gary's family and Kaeli's family as well. R.I.P. Kaeli Amie DeWeese
now, to top things off for the past week, things only got worse. my grandmother also died last wednesday. so everythings been hectic
these past few days. ill post more about it later. getiing over one death is more than enough.
